Conflict is a part of every relationship. The key to success as a couple is strong communication skills.
Communication includes constructive and destructive behaviours. Recognising what works and what to avoid is the first step to maintaining a healthy and loving relationship.
1. Recognise constructive and destructive criticism
Criticism can be constructive or destructive.
Constructive criticism is delivered with kindness and is designed to lovingly point out a flaw or behaviour. Constructive criticism should be delivered in a way that builds couples up rather than tear them down.
Destructive criticism often comes across as harsh. Criticising your partner in this way implies fault, suggesting there is something wrong with that person. Framing a complaint as if your partner is the problem often results in further conflict and anger from them. Beginning a sentence with “you never” or “you always” is seen as destructive criticism. Your partner may become defensive, making a resolution more difficult.
Destructive criticism can destroy your partner’s confidence. This results in increased arguments. Instead, use positive words that add value to the relationship rather than making your partner feel bad.
2. Avoid contempt
Contempt comes in many forms. It is defined as any behaviour that elevates you above your partner. Disrespect, mocking behaviour and use of sarcasm are all considered contemptuous.
Refrain from name-calling and ridiculing your partner. Avoid mimicking or threatening behaviour. Partnerships are equal and should be treated as such. Most people show contempt verbally in conversation, but it can also be through body language. Eye rolling is one example of contemptuous nonverbal communication.
Contempt can contribute to the demise of relationships and may lead to divorce.
3. Stay off the defence
Defensiveness is a natural response in an argument or uncomfortable situation. When your partner points out a trait or behaviour of yours during a discussion or fight, it’s easy to respond defensively. It’s a means of self-protection to make your partner back off.
When you feel unjustly accused, you may go on the attack. You might even play the innocent victim card for sympathy. Your partner may feel you aren’t taking the situation seriously or listening to constructive criticism. This may lead to anger and increased conflict.
If you often find that you’re acting in a defensive manner, take a step back and examine the situation. Take your partner’s words and intentions into account, and assess the impact of your own actions.
4. Avoid stonewalling your partner
Stonewalling is the process of withdrawing from a conversation that can cause conflict. When the other person shuts down, it can be impossible to reach a resolution.
Stonewalling is a way to avoid confrontation. It occurs in several ways such as: turning away, avoiding eye contact, appearing busy or actually leaving the physical location. You may stonewall your partner because you feel overwhelmed by a situation. Your partner may not recognise the reason and feel like you don’t care.
This behaviour can lead to a lack of communication and the breakdown of a relationship. If unchecked, it may result in a cycle, occurring any time conflict arises. Your partner may even escalate angry responses in hopes of getting different results.
Instead of stonewalling your partner, communicate your need to step away from the situation and calm down. Your partner will know how you feel, and you will both be able to rationally resolve the conflict. Learn to recognise when you are stonewalling. Take a deep breath and assess why you feel overwhelmed. Tell your partner what you need at that moment and encourage the same communication in return.
The art of repairing a relationship is more about getting back on track than finding what is broken. Happy couples repair as needed rather than avoiding the process. Develop strategies for how you will discuss and resolve issues. Repair often to keep the relationship fresh. Find verbal and nonverbal ways of expressing humour and kindness when conflict arises.
Be creative when finding the repair strategies that work for you as a couple. Adapt them as needed for specific situations.
Follow these tips for specifics on how to repair a strained relationship. Check your progress regularly by discussing strengths and weaknesses. This leads to a decrease in conflict and an increase in communication.
